Something Different

I missed my post last week. I hadn’t written anything during the week and my weekend plans changed very last minute, so I didn’t get anything up.

The routine/goal oriented part of me is still freaking out a bit. It’s saying ‘you should post twice this week’, ‘now you know, make sure to always have the post set long before the weekend comes’, ‘get writing to build up your stock.’

I’m also recalculating my workout schedule so I can still accomplish all I planned by the date. Pushing everything back feels like a failure, so I need to catch up now.

I didn’t read at all over the weekend, save for a few short chapters of the audiobook during my drive. I need to do nothing but read to catch my goals.

I feel a bit like a failure right now.

Two weeks ago (almost said last week), I wrote about the need to not let my moods take over. To make sure that I continue doing the things I want to do, despite my mood saying otherwise. I said that I wasn’t going to be as gentle with myself, that tough love was the driver right now, and I was going to do all the things and not fall behind.

Well, I fell behind. But it wasn’t because of my moods. I was doing something different. I had an impromptu weekend away with some new friends, drinking and eating and crafting and playing card and board games. There were no goals, there were no to-dos. There was just being.

It was wonderful. And needed.

Cue Sunday night as I’m driving home, my mind frantic in figuring out how to fit it all in. Finally, I just stopped.

What was most important?

Food and laundry.

What did I want to do the most?

My nails.

These became all I focused on. I made sure I had a good dinner, and good meals for the week. I only did one load, just so I had clean sheets. And I did an at-home gel mani, moving slowly and enjoying it the whole time.

It’s an interesting balance. Tough love and gentleness. Pushing through and resting. I’m a planner. And while I can make all the plans in the world, there has to be room for spontaneity. For a new fork in the path to arrive, and take it on a whim.

For everything is okay. I took the whim and still everything that needed to get done, did. Better yet, I enjoyed myself.

I’d like to say I’m going to throw all my plans away and start scouring behind bushes to find hidden paths. But my routines are helpful in managing my anxieties and the challenges of daily life. Planning has always soothed me. Making lists has been what keeps me calm and directed, makes me feel accomplished as I cross those pesky to-dos off the list.

Now I need to keep an eye out for something different.

Routines are no longer helpful when they become rigidity. When the smallest break in the pattern is overwhelming or problematic, the routine is no longer supportive, but suffocating. This is the line that I play with.

Last weekend was a good reminder to make sure my plans aren’t so rigid that they don’t allow for something different. Sometimes a temporary change can be exactly what I need.