Moods Be Moot
“I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”
For the entirety of my life, I have been swayed by my moods. I always attributed it to my Cancer sun, but regardless of the reason, it’s part of me. I’m not good at hiding them, and I’m at their whim more than I care to admit. Recently, this has been making me angry.
I feel a mood, one that stops me from engaging with my joys. Instead, I zone out. I avoid. I don’t do anything that I know would make me feel better, either now or tomorrow. Then, I get angrier as I realize I’m not doing anything AND I’m not resting either. I continue not doing anything and not resting, now, because I’m angry. And the cycle continues.
I’ve tried so many things to mitigate this. I’ve made lists of what I like to do, activities that would make me feel better so I can have something concrete to look at instead of just the swirling thoughts in my head. I always seem to lose the list, or toss it out thinking I don’t need it anymore. I make trackers that start off strong and then fall off. Sooner rather than later, I end up back in the same moody point, angry, unable to break out of it.
I am tired of my own bullshit.
Just last week, I wrote about invisible progress. Compared to last year, I have made so much progress in the last month. I’ve certainly fallen back in love with my loves, even if ‘everyday’ didn’t happen. Still, it doesn’t feel enough. Yes I want to read more, and write more, and build more strength. But more so than any of that, I want to accomplish my goals. Turn my dreams into reality.
I am the reason my dreams haven’t grounded. I have to stop letting my moods get in the way.
So much of the current wellness world still talks about being gentle with yourself. Emphasizing the softness of self-care, the luxuriousness of it all. And I’ve bought into that for so long. I don’t believe in regret, so I’m not upset that I believed in the ‘gentleness’ for so long.
But it is time to move on. It is time for self-care to look more like waking up at four each morning to get an hour of writing time in. It is time to finish the yoga or the strength training or the cardio at nine at night. It is time for no excuses, especially the ones coming from my mood.
January was an important start for me. I don’t want to knock the progress I’ve made, but I do want more. A year ago, I would’ve berated myself for thinking such thoughts. I would have convinced myself that what I did was enough, was plenty, just for the fact that I did it.
But it’s not.
Here’s to a February of rethinking my self-care, to finally dropping the bullshit of my moods, and using them to fuel the creative fires within.
