Let Yourself Change
I am far from who I used to be. Nuggets of her are still present — my quiet, calm, thoughtful, overthinking, moody self — but so much more of her is gone. And that is okay.
Years ago, I had a couple young people who had just graduated ask me for one piece of advice. “Let yourself change,” I told them.
We are given this very particular path that we are expected to follow. At the age of 18, when we are treated as though we are too young to understand the world, we are still expected to know precisely what we want to do with our lives. If we don’t follow the path of society — college, degree, job, house, spouse, and children — we are doing something wrong. There is no wiggle room in this path; there is no opportunity for exploration; there is no space for change.
When I was eighteen, I chose to begin this path. I believed it would offer me the success and security that we tend to crave. When I was eighteen, I needed this to be the right path.
I am not the same human I was at eighteen.
She was a painfully quiet young woman, who had no clue what social anxiety was and how detrimental it had been all her life. She never realized she was deeply depressed. She always loved reading, but never understood that books were what saved her during those darkest years. Even as reflective as she was with journal after journal, she played it safe, following in the direction she had wanted since she was a little girl. No — the direction in which she felt any sense of confidence, any steadiness.
And while that direction has served me well, nor could I ever regret the choices she made for they were what she needed, if I could go back and remake those choices with the understandings I have now, I wouldn’t choose the same.
Hiding in the Quiet
I’ve spent my life quiet. I’ve kept my thoughts to myself. Even when asked directly, I share just enough for a sufficient response while leaving out the true truth. I quickly learned how to hide myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially.
I was too scared to “put myself out there”, and so I kept myself small. I didn’t speak up; I avoided socializing at all costs; I never told anyone how I felt; I kept my looks plain. It was easy. It was protective. It was safe. I hid in my little shell that I made sufficient for my needs; I let very few people in, and I never moved beyond it.
Until now.
I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to be small. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings and not care what anyone thinks. I want to doll myself up with makeup and nails and not care that it’s not the current style or that it’s technically a night look while I’m out in the day.
Mind you, socializing still isn’t my thing. My dynamic trio of social anxiety, introversion, and empathic nature all keep me happily on my own the majority of the time, save my closest of closest humans. But, I do want to be more open to people in general. (I think…)
I do not want any loudness coming my way, but I would like to come out of my shell and share…me.
The first poem I shared on my (now inactive) writing Instagram, @poetry_in_pencil.
My own picture from Shenandoah National Park, August 2022.
So, this is how I’d like to change. I’d like to stop keeping my thoughts to myself for fear of retribution, judgment, and dislike. For fear someone will comment and emphasize how imperfect my words are. I’d like to follow Nature’s cue, and simply be myself.
How are you letting yourself change?
